Communication
How to have difficult conversations
Is there something you need to say to your partner but have so far dared
not say it?
Maybe you want to deal with an infidelity, an affair you or they have
had? Or, you want to tell someone some home truths? You can do this
without disastrous
consequences,
communication is essential for a relationship to grow.
We know that
communication is essential for happy living,
when it comes to tricky subjects we often clam up. Conversation is a powerful tool but we have
not been taught how to use it properly when there is something difficult to
say.
Here are some steps towards “Having that conversation”
Find the courage inside you
If you have spent a long time avoiding this conversation,
years perhaps, start by writing down the risk’s and benefits of speaking
up. What do you have to lose? What do you have to gain? Can you really
go on carrying this baggage?
Difficult conversations are uncomfortable
because they are about things that feel uncomfortable, such as the state of
your marriage or relationship, your finances, your relationship with others.
But, staying silent and allowing resentment to fester is often worse. So, look at it logically and dig deep to find
the courage to speak.
Prepare your words
This is crucial. First, decide what “Not” to say, let me say that again, decide what not to say. Then
work out what you are going to say and how your going to say it
Imagine what the other person is likely to reply and work out how you will
cope. Thinking the conversation through,
anticipating the difficulties and how you will respond, will increase your
chance of success. It also means that
“Explosive” comments are less likely to come tumbling out of your mouth in the
heat of the moment.
You also need a positive frame of mind. If you are constantly telling yourself “I
will be rubbish at this and she/he will hate me” ask yourself, is that true?
Will your loved one really hate you for being honest? It is more likely that
they will be relieved that the discussion is taking place.
This especially true when one or other partner has
had an affair and the matter remains unresolved.
State your case clearly
Start by stating the facts in a way that no-one can argue
with. For example, if you’re trying to
heal a family rift try, “we have not been getting on for such a long time and I
feel really sad about it”. Then make it
clear that you don’t intend to fight.
For example “I don’t want to hurt you or make things more difficult than
they already are but I do think we should talk”. If you have been struggling with the idea of
having the conversation, say so. Describing your dilemma will help the other
person understand that this is genuinely difficult for you.
Your tone of voice is crucial, it needs to be calm and
measured. If you are feeling emotional,
frustrated or angry, let off steam by speaking to a friend before you have “The
conversation”
Speak the truth and listen
Hold your nerve when it comes to naming difficult
emotions. If you are feeling angry,
agitated, resentful, then you can, and must, say so. If you are truthful but stay calm it won’t
destroy your relationship. If anything,
the other person will see your honesty and respond in a similar way.
In return, listen carefully to what they say and acknowledge
their feelings. Phrases like “I’m really
sorry this is making you so sad” or “I’m not surprised you’re feeling angry” will let them know you are listening
to and hearing their view.
Remember, it is essential that you are completely honest
with the other person, any sign of holding back or “Vagueness” on your part and
the other person will close down, worse still, shut you out.
Show respect and
you will reap the rewards
If you remain respectful and stay positive, there is a far
better chance that the other person will as well. If you talk down to the person, show contempt
or are dismissive, the other person will see this as a slight and will kill the
conversation on the spot.
It is never too late
No matter how hard you prepare, you cannot predict the
outcome of the conversation. Do not let
that stop you from having it. Whatever
happens, you will feel lighter and more free for finally having said what needed
to be said. There is always the chance
the conversation will go far better than you can imagine.
Too many of us take refuge in silence. This simply eats away at us and our loved
ones until there is nothing left. Far
better to bring things out in the open, rather than let them fester under the surface
of a precious relationship.
Todays question:
How would you feel if you do not have “The conversation” and
the person you need to have it with passes away tomorrow?
