Get the Relationship You Want by Doing This

Many people write into Marriage Sherpa asking a very important question:
How do I get the relationship that I want, the relationship of my dreams?

It’s a solid question… and, there is a surprisingly simplistic answer, though like most things, the devil is in the details.
Today, I want to answer that question, bringing you a realistic concept that you can mold into your life and help you achieve having what you really want: the relationship of your dreams. Please keep reading…

Titanic Forces Brought Together to Form YOUR Relationship
If you want the relationship of your dreams, it’s important to understand that there is no “easy” button to press and instantly attain it.
If there were, it would be the greatest advance in human history, bigger than the internet and Microsoft.
So, let’s dig in and deal with the reality of where we are today: complex, layered people who get together and forge a union that is also complex and layered. And sometimes, like tectonic plates, these layers rub up against each other the wrong way and create clashes and upheavals that reshape the foundation of that union.

This is normal. It doesn’t feel normal… in fact, it can feel quite unsettling. But when you bring together two people with different experiences and backgrounds, there is bound to be some upheavals from time to time until you resettle and regain your grounding on that foundation.
Where many couples run into problems is clinging to their beliefs, ideas and opinions without giving an inch to their partner

Let’s use the tectonic plates example, but from the perspective of a building. In earthquake-prone areas, buildings are built with a certain amount of “sway” capacity to them. Those without this capacity are rigid.
Guess which one is more likely to withstand the earthquake?
So you may be wondering what all this earthquake talk has to do with your relationship. Here it is in a nutshell: you need to be strong like a building, yet have some “sway” capacity.
The concept for humans is what is called “core plasticity,” which means this:  being true to who you are at your core, yet being flexible and changing enough to be in a relationship and you’re your relationship work better.

Here’s how to accomplish the development of core plasticity:
Core Plasticity Development Tip #1: Do Some Soul-Searching
Know yourself and what you really won’t bend on. To get along better with your partner doesn’t mean you have to swallow your core values or toss them out in order to have the relationship of your dreams. But, it helps to know what those deepest core values are, and that requires some soul-searching.

Ask yourself: what ideas or opinions do I feel uncomfortable bending on?
Core Plasticity Development Tip #2:Change What you Can
Once you’ve done some soul searching and discovered what is non-negotiable, that should leave some things that are negotiable. These are things you are willing to change in yourself.
It may be something that your partner feels strongly about, and you’ve always pushed back on it. If it’s an area where you can offer a little “sway,” what will that do in terms of your relationship? If you concede something to your partner, do you think it will help strengthen the relationship overall?
By knowing where to remain solid—those things that deeply resonate with you—and where you can offer a bit more “sway,” your relationship will begin to feel more like a collaboration than a battlefield.

My best to you in creating core plasticity—and achieving the relationship of your dreams.
Do you and your partner knock heads over the same issues?
Is it feasible for you to sway a bit on any of these issues?
Do you remain true to your core beliefs, while negotiating those that are more on the periphery?

Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,