Most couples are exceedingly poor at resolving conflicts. Today, I give you a number of techniques designed to teach you healthier conflict resolution. Today, I'll just outline the most basic ground-rules for arguments. Discuss these with your spouse and agree on them together.
1. Abuse and physical violence will not be tolerated. If things get too hot, take a break or take a walk.
2. Avoid assigning blame. Instead, talk about how your partner's actions made you feel.
3. Be honest. Don't argue about one thing if something else is bothering you.
4. Don't take things personally. When someone is upset, they can say or do things that make it worse.
5. Focus on resolving the issue--not winning the argument. Think negotiation, not competition.
6. If your spouse hasn't understood your motives or misunderstood what you said, don't get angry. Explain yourself.
7. No bringing up hurtful events from the past. Stay in the present.
8. No going to sleep on an argument.
9. No name-calling.
10. Once an argument is resolved, forgive and forget.
The Silent Poison: Resentment
As your marriage continues to crumble, you'll begin to feel more comfortable thinking about your spouse in terms of resentment, blame, and disappointment rather than in terms of love, forgiveness, and teamwork.
Every negative feeling that you have about your spouse builds and builds, even if you don't act out on those feelings. Unless you do something about those negative feelings, you will find yourself becoming more and more resentful of your spouse and his or her ability to make your life unpleasant.
There are several things you can do. I suggest consciously counteracting every negative feeling with positive acts of love, affection, and respect. You should also learn how to talk to your partner about your feelings in a neutral, non-accusatory, calm way. This is extraordinarily difficult and will take a long time to master.
Negative feelings expressed in anger or as a knee-jerk reaction grow and become worse. If you can learn to express your negative feelings neutrally with the express purpose of finding some way to resolve them, you may find that they dissipate with the mere act of sharing them.
