Successfully Repairing Your Relationship

Successfully repairing your relationship is not about doing a lot of hard work, it's a process. We've learned that after helping over 50,000 couples. This system is about doing the right things, BUT more importantly, doing them in the right order.

Many people do good things, but in the WRONG order, which can hurt your relationship more than help.

For example, consider talking about the details of the affair.

I know for a fact that couples who discuss the details of the affair have a better chance of survival. . . but did you ever consider the RIGHT TIME to talk about the details (it's NOT right after you discover the affair)?

Here's why. . .

When your spouse drops the bomb of their affair, it is one of the most shocking and devastating experiences you can go through. You feel overwhelmed, humiliated and gutted.

The mental and physical pain can be too much to bear.

Because of the intense pain you're going through, talking about the details at this stage will only make things worse unless you go through the Individual Healing Phase.

This phase protects you personally from crippling emotional pain.

One other thing... we've learned that most couples experience a regression in their relationship after they discuss the details unless they go through the Individual Healing Phase.

That is why you need to heal yourself first... before you communicate or try to rebuild your relationship.

If both of you are emotionally prepared, you can quickly recover, thus making the experience healthy.

This is why I show you how to talk about the details after I've empowered you to take control over your emotions in the first phase of Dr. Gunzburg's 3-phase healing system.

If you have Dr. Gunzburg's program, you already know about phase one and how liberating it is... Phase 1 is your first step to feeling normal again (in just a few weeks).

How To Have That Difficult Conversation

Communication

How to have difficult conversations

 

Is there something you need to say to your partner but have so far dared not say it? Maybe you want to deal with an infidelity, an affair you or they have had? Or, you want to tell someone some home truths?  You can do this without disastrous consequences, communication is essential for a relationship to grow.

We know that communication is essential for happy living, when it comes to tricky subjects we often clam up.  Conversation is a powerful tool but we have not been taught how to use it properly when there is something difficult to say.

Here are some steps towards “Having that conversation”

Find the courage inside you

If you have spent a long time avoiding this conversation, years perhaps, start by writing down the risk’s and benefits of speaking up.  What do you have to lose? What do you have to gain? Can you really go on carrying this baggage? 

 

Difficult conversations are uncomfortable because they are about things that feel uncomfortable, such as the state of your marriage or relationship, your finances, your relationship with others. But, staying silent and allowing resentment to fester is often worse.  So, look at it logically and dig deep to find the courage to speak.

 

Prepare your words

This is crucial. First, decide what “Not” to say, let me say that again, decide what not to say.  Then work out what you are going to say and how your going to say it

 

Imagine what the other person is likely to reply and work out how you will cope.  Thinking the conversation through, anticipating the difficulties and how you will respond, will increase your chance of success.  It also means that “Explosive” comments are less likely to come tumbling out of your mouth in the heat of the moment.

 

You also need a positive frame of mind.  If you are constantly telling yourself “I will be rubbish at this and she/he will hate me” ask yourself, is that true? Will your loved one really hate you for being honest? It is more likely that they will be relieved that the discussion is taking place.

 

This especially true when one or other partner has had an affair and the matter remains unresolved.

 

State your case clearly

Start by stating the facts in a way that no-one can argue with.  For example, if you’re trying to heal a family rift try, “we have not been getting on for such a long time and I feel really sad about it”.  Then make it clear that you don’t intend to fight.  For example “I don’t want to hurt you or make things more difficult than they already are but I do think we should talk”.  If you have been struggling with the idea of having the conversation, say so. Describing your dilemma will help the other person understand that this is genuinely difficult for you.

Your tone of voice is crucial, it needs to be calm and measured.  If you are feeling emotional, frustrated or angry, let off steam by speaking to a friend before you have “The conversation”

 

Speak the truth and listen

Hold your nerve when it comes to naming difficult emotions.  If you are feeling angry, agitated, resentful, then you can, and must, say so.  If you are truthful but stay calm it won’t destroy your relationship.  If anything, the other person will see your honesty and respond in a similar way.

In return, listen carefully to what they say and acknowledge their feelings.  Phrases like “I’m really sorry this is making you so sad” or “I’m not surprised you’re feeling  angry” will let them know you are listening to and hearing their view.

Remember, it is essential that you are completely honest with the other person, any sign of holding back or “Vagueness” on your part and the other person will close down, worse still, shut you out.

 

 Show respect and you will reap the rewards

If you remain respectful and stay positive, there is a far better chance that the other person will as well.  If you talk down to the person, show contempt or are dismissive, the other person will see this as a slight and will kill the conversation on the spot.

 

It is never too late

No matter how hard you prepare, you cannot predict the outcome of the conversation.  Do not let that stop you from having it.  Whatever happens, you will feel lighter and more free for finally having said what needed to be said.  There is always the chance the conversation will go far better than you can imagine.

 

Too many of us take refuge in silence.  This simply eats away at us and our loved ones until there is nothing left.  Far better to bring things out in the open, rather than let them fester under the surface of a precious relationship.

Todays question:

How would you feel if you do not have “The conversation” and the person you need to have it with passes away tomorrow? 

 Get the Relationship You Want by Doing This

Many people write into Marriage Sherpa asking a very important question:
How do I get the relationship that I want, the relationship of my dreams?

It’s a solid question… and, there is a surprisingly simplistic answer, though like most things, the devil is in the details.
Today, I want to answer that question, bringing you a realistic concept that you can mold into your life and help you achieve having what you really want: the relationship of your dreams. Please keep reading…

Titanic Forces Brought Together to Form YOUR Relationship
If you want the relationship of your dreams, it’s important to understand that there is no “easy” button to press and instantly attain it.
If there were, it would be the greatest advance in human history, bigger than the internet and Microsoft.
So, let’s dig in and deal with the reality of where we are today: complex, layered people who get together and forge a union that is also complex and layered. And sometimes, like tectonic plates, these layers rub up against each other the wrong way and create clashes and upheavals that reshape the foundation of that union.

This is normal. It doesn’t feel normal… in fact, it can feel quite unsettling. But when you bring together two people with different experiences and backgrounds, there is bound to be some upheavals from time to time until you resettle and regain your grounding on that foundation.
Where many couples run into problems is clinging to their beliefs, ideas and opinions without giving an inch to their partner

Let’s use the tectonic plates example, but from the perspective of a building. In earthquake-prone areas, buildings are built with a certain amount of “sway” capacity to them. Those without this capacity are rigid.
Guess which one is more likely to withstand the earthquake?
So you may be wondering what all this earthquake talk has to do with your relationship. Here it is in a nutshell: you need to be strong like a building, yet have some “sway” capacity.
The concept for humans is what is called “core plasticity,” which means this:  being true to who you are at your core, yet being flexible and changing enough to be in a relationship and you’re your relationship work better.

Here’s how to accomplish the development of core plasticity:
Core Plasticity Development Tip #1: Do Some Soul-Searching
Know yourself and what you really won’t bend on. To get along better with your partner doesn’t mean you have to swallow your core values or toss them out in order to have the relationship of your dreams. But, it helps to know what those deepest core values are, and that requires some soul-searching.

Ask yourself: what ideas or opinions do I feel uncomfortable bending on?
Core Plasticity Development Tip #2:Change What you Can
Once you’ve done some soul searching and discovered what is non-negotiable, that should leave some things that are negotiable. These are things you are willing to change in yourself.
It may be something that your partner feels strongly about, and you’ve always pushed back on it. If it’s an area where you can offer a little “sway,” what will that do in terms of your relationship? If you concede something to your partner, do you think it will help strengthen the relationship overall?
By knowing where to remain solid—those things that deeply resonate with you—and where you can offer a bit more “sway,” your relationship will begin to feel more like a collaboration than a battlefield.

My best to you in creating core plasticity—and achieving the relationship of your dreams.
Do you and your partner knock heads over the same issues?
Is it feasible for you to sway a bit on any of these issues?
Do you remain true to your core beliefs, while negotiating those that are more on the periphery?

Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,

“Why You Should Ditch the Rules”

A long, long time ago, the path from courtship to marriage was clear. Women waited for men to ask them out, allowed men to pay for every date, and breathlessly anticipated a marriage proposal.

Back then, the rules of courtship were clearly defined. There were things a woman did … and things she should NEVER do. Only a vulgar and shameless woman would pursue a man.

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Many of today’s so-called “time-tested secrets” for meeting and attracting Mr. Right come from that era, an age in which men were MEN, and women were WOMEN, and gender roles kept them an arms-length apart.

Playing by those rules today isn’t just old-fashioned; it’s just plain limiting. Today, we as women have more freedom than at any other time in human history. We can work in whatever job we want, live wherever we want, and date whomever we want! Why, then, would we willingly step back under the yoke of courtship Do’s and Don’ts designed in a culture that’s long past and good riddance?

Because, in the often-confusing modern dating world, rules make us feel safe. Do’s and Don’ts can keep us from making mistakes. Dating “rules” (like ending a phone call first, or not accepting a weekend date after Wednesday) can prevent us from getting rejected.

Or can they?

If you keep yourself from doing certain things around men and make yourself do others based on FEAR that you’ll make a mistake or FEAR that he’ll reject you, then you’re setting the foundation for a relationship based on insecurity.

It’s the same error our grandmothers and great-grandmothers made so many years ago: they looked to the MEN to define whether they were in a relationship, what form it would take, and how long it would last.

As a result, the only way women were able to influence the outcome was through indirect means – such being mysterious, playing “hard to get,” and not letting on how they felt – to get what they wanted.

Today, it’s wonderful that men and women both can be so open, honest, and direct about topics that were taboo just a few generations before. But with this freedom comes power … and a great deal of confusion.

Even though the old rules were restricting, at least they gave us the confidence of familiarity. We knew what to do. We knew what the man’s role was, and we knew what the woman’s role was.

But if men and women each have an equal say in dating and relationships, then who is supposed to make the next move … and what even IS the next move?

The old dating Do’s and Don’ts simply are not flexible enough to account for the way society has changed and the diversity of cultures that exists.

That’s why I believe it is so important that we develop a new paradigm for dating and relationships that reflects who we are as modern women in a modern dating world.

That's why Amy Waterman, author of How to Be Irresistible to Men, and Marie Forleo, author of Make Every Man Want You, got together to produce a dating course unlike any other. They set out to show how women can find out what to do in ANY dating situation, in a way that’s appropriate, effortless, and completely IRRESISTIBLE … all without resorting to outdated Do’s and Don’t that may not even apply to them!

Their collaboration resulted in the riveting audio program, Make Every Man Want You MORE! Over the six-lesson course, Amy and Marie lay out the essential tools every modern woman needs in a modern dating world, what it takes to move a relationship along from casual to committed, how to navigate tricky dating areas like communication, sex, “baggage” from your past, and more.

Single women today can feel enormously pressured to live up to a high standard in ALL areas of their life, from their careers to their appearance to their love life. If you don’t want to settle for anything less than excellence in life AND love, then Make Every Man Want You More will teach you how to effortlessly and flawlessly achieve your goals.

Find out more by going here#

SET BOUNDARIES IN YOUR  RELATIONSHIP

'All you need to say is simply 'Yes' or 'No'

When does 'a good thing' become 'too much'? Can I help you, without hurting me? Can we share our lives, without me giving up mine? When do you truly need my help? 

When do I need to let go, and let you handle it? Finding the balance between 'enough' and 'too much' in relationships is a constant challenge and isn't easy. Especially when your role tends to be, 'all things, at all times, to all people', and theirs is, 'I'm helpless, you owe me, take care of me'; 

when you have no 'no' and they have no 'yes'. Needing to be needed by needy people who always want someone to take care of them puts the needy person in the driver's seat-and puts you over the edge. They are never happy, whatever you do. So you do more to make them feel happier and yourself feel less guilty, and you end up in a double bind. 

They resent you for not giving enough, and you resent them for not appreciating what you give. Yet neither of you knows how to break the cycle. So the relationship becomes what counsellors call a 'more-of-the-same' tangle where both parties resent and devalue the other, feeling stuck in a life-dominating trap you both fear to jettison. 

Marriages, families, friendships, workplaces, churches and social groups get trapped in this 'victim-rescuer' pattern where needy people and fixers become trapped in a mutual dance they both 'love to hate', but won't stop doing! Recognize yourself? If so, you're moving toward a healthier, less toxic relationship.

If you have liked this post, check out http://www.reasonsfordivirce.net for FREE advise on saving your relationship

Communication

How to have difficult conversations

 

Is there something you need to say to your partner but have so far dared not say it? Maybe you want to deal with an infidelity, an affair you or they have had? Or, you want to tell someone some home truths?  You can do this without disastrous consequences, communication is essential for a relationship to grow.

We know that communication is essential for happy living, when it comes to tricky subjects we often clam up.  Conversation is a powerful tool but we have not been taught how to use it properly when there is something difficult to say.

Here are some steps towards “Having that conversation”

Find the courage inside you

If you have spent a long time avoiding this conversation, years perhaps, start by writing down the risk’s and benefits of speaking up.  What do you have to lose? What do you have to gain? Can you really go on carrying this baggage? 

 

Difficult conversations are uncomfortable because they are about things that feel uncomfortable, such as the state of your marriage or relationship, your finances, your relationship with others. But, staying silent and allowing resentment to fester is often worse.  So, look at it logically and dig deep to find the courage to speak.

 

Prepare your words

This is crucial. First, decide what “Not” to say, let me say that again, decide what not to say.  Then work out what you are going to say and how your going to say it

 

Imagine what the other person is likely to reply and work out how you will cope.  Thinking the conversation through, anticipating the difficulties and how you will respond, will increase your chance of success.  It also means that “Explosive” comments are less likely to come tumbling out of your mouth in the heat of the moment.

 

You also need a positive frame of mind.  If you are constantly telling yourself “I will be rubbish at this and she/he will hate me” ask yourself, is that true? Will your loved one really hate you for being honest? It is more likely that they will be relieved that the discussion is taking place.

 

This especially true when one or other partner has had an affair and the matter remains unresolved.

 

State your case clearly

Start by stating the facts in a way that no-one can argue with.  For example, if you’re trying to heal a family rift try, “we have not been getting on for such a long time and I feel really sad about it”.  Then make it clear that you don’t intend to fight.  For example “I don’t want to hurt you or make things more difficult than they already are but I do think we should talk”.  If you have been struggling with the idea of having the conversation, say so. Describing your dilemma will help the other person understand that this is genuinely difficult for you.

Your tone of voice is crucial, it needs to be calm and measured.  If you are feeling emotional, frustrated or angry, let off steam by speaking to a friend before you have “The conversation”

 

Speak the truth and listen

Hold your nerve when it comes to naming difficult emotions.  If you are feeling angry, agitated, resentful, then you can, and must, say so.  If you are truthful but stay calm it won’t destroy your relationship.  If anything, the other person will see your honesty and respond in a similar way.

In return, listen carefully to what they say and acknowledge their feelings.  Phrases like “I’m really sorry this is making you so sad” or “I’m not surprised you’re feeling  angry” will let them know you are listening to and hearing their view.

Remember, it is essential that you are completely honest with the other person, any sign of holding back or “Vagueness” on your part and the other person will close down, worse still, shut you out.

 

 Show respect and you will reap the rewards

If you remain respectful and stay positive, there is a far better chance that the other person will as well.  If you talk down to the person, show contempt or are dismissive, the other person will see this as a slight and will kill the conversation on the spot.

 

It is never too late

No matter how hard you prepare, you cannot predict the outcome of the conversation.  Do not let that stop you from having it.  Whatever happens, you will feel lighter and more free for finally having said what needed to be said.  There is always the chance the conversation will go far better than you can imagine.

 

Too many of us take refuge in silence.  This simply eats away at us and our loved ones until there is nothing left.  Far better to bring things out in the open, rather than let them fester under the surface of a precious relationship.

Todays question:

How would you feel if you do not have “The conversation” and the person you need to have it with passes away tomorrow? 

What wouldn’t most people give to have the perfect relationship?

What wouldn’t most people give to have the perfect relationship?

Is it possible to even have a perfect relationship?

Couples put a lot of pressure on themselves to come up with some sort of huge breakthrough that takes their relationship from 0 to 60 in a matter of days.

In this blog, you’ll learn that small efforts can lead to major relationship changes. You can start by improving each other’s mood and behavior with the 2 tips I’m going to share with you today. Read on…

The Idea of Achieving a Perfect Relationship

Has the spark left your relationship?

Have you and your partner run out of things to say?

Are you and your partner experiencing a particularly low point in your relationship?

Relationships have their ups and downs. What becomes scary is when you feel you’ve become stuck in a downward turn… and can’t seem to escape it.

You may begin to think the relationship is over, that you and your partner had your day in the sun, but that maybe it just isn’t meant to be between you.

Or, you may be at your wit’s end trying to figure out how to make the necessary changes to save your relationship. You may feel you’ve tried everything. Or, you know you could do better, but you’re just not sure what that looks like.

Let’s go back to what I said at the beginning of this article about the idea of the “perfect” relationship. Who doesn’t want a perfect relationship, right? But do you know what a perfect relationship looks like? Would you recognize it if you had it?

Think of your relationship as a journey, not a destination. Even if you reach a “perfect” point, something will come along and shake the balance. You’ll have a bad day. Your partner will say the wrong thing. You won’t be able to come into agreement on a major decision.

So, striving for some idea that things will always be A-1 is too much pressure for any couple.

However, that doesn’t mean you can’t make a few small changes to help boost each other’s mood or positively influence each other’s behavior. Here are two small efforts you can make that will reap big dividends in creating positive relationship changes. You may not reach perfect, but life will be a lot more pleasant.

Small Effort #1: Prioritize Each Other

One area where a lot of couples run into trouble is when they allow each other to slip down, down, down the list of priorities.

Everyone has responsibilities that must be handled. But when you’re in a relationship, you also have a responsibility to prioritize each other near the top of things you must take care of. Relationships don’t take care of themselves, and if you’re in a relationship, you need to create the space necessary to let your partner know you see them as a very important part of your life.

Many people will say, “But I’m too busy… I need to take care of this, that, the other…” I’m sure this is all true and you really are overloaded with responsibilities. So while I say take your relationship as a responsibility that needs to be prioritized, I don’t mean you should view it as a chore.

Enjoy your relationship: dress up, go out. Ask your partner questions that show your interest. This will perk up your partner’s mood, as well as your own, and you’ll treat each other like the treasures you are—because you will be actively appreciating what’s good about your relationship.

Small Effort #2: Show the Utmost Respect

It’s easy to get comfortable in our relationship and let it all hang out. But bad manners are always a no-no.

Maybe you’ve heard “that couple”… the couple who talks to each other worse than anyone would talk to a dog. Makes you cringe, doesn’t it?

But listen to how you and your partner talk to each other—even in private. Would you be mortified if others could hear you? Is it respectful? Would you talk to your boss or one of your parents like that?

How you and your partner talk to each other has an effect on each other’s mood and behavior. We tend to mirror the behavior of others, so this is an area that you can see positive changes in your relationship just by making a tweak to how you talk to your partner.

Treat your partner with the utmost respect, and you will soon see an effort on their part to mirror the treatment they’re receiving. If not, you can gently point out, “The way you’re speaking to me… could you find a way to rephrase that in a way that you would maybe say it to your boss?” Sometimes, people aren’t aware how they’re coming across.

By aiming for a respectful tone, it will make life more pleasant for the both of you.

My best to you in making small efforts to achieve big changes.

Where do you prioritize your partner?

Do you feel your partner prioritizes you?

Are you and your partner respectful t0t each other?

Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.

Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,

If you wan't to save your marriage / Relationship, sign up for the free course on the right of this page.  Get your relationship back on track.

Until the next time.