How To Have That Difficult Conversation

Communication

How to have difficult conversations

 

Is there something you need to say to your partner but have so far dared not say it? Maybe you want to deal with an infidelity, an affair you or they have had? Or, you want to tell someone some home truths?  You can do this without disastrous consequences, communication is essential for a relationship to grow.

We know that communication is essential for happy living, when it comes to tricky subjects we often clam up.  Conversation is a powerful tool but we have not been taught how to use it properly when there is something difficult to say.

Here are some steps towards “Having that conversation”

Find the courage inside you

If you have spent a long time avoiding this conversation, years perhaps, start by writing down the risk’s and benefits of speaking up.  What do you have to lose? What do you have to gain? Can you really go on carrying this baggage? 

 

Difficult conversations are uncomfortable because they are about things that feel uncomfortable, such as the state of your marriage or relationship, your finances, your relationship with others. But, staying silent and allowing resentment to fester is often worse.  So, look at it logically and dig deep to find the courage to speak.

 

Prepare your words

This is crucial. First, decide what “Not” to say, let me say that again, decide what not to say.  Then work out what you are going to say and how your going to say it

 

Imagine what the other person is likely to reply and work out how you will cope.  Thinking the conversation through, anticipating the difficulties and how you will respond, will increase your chance of success.  It also means that “Explosive” comments are less likely to come tumbling out of your mouth in the heat of the moment.

 

You also need a positive frame of mind.  If you are constantly telling yourself “I will be rubbish at this and she/he will hate me” ask yourself, is that true? Will your loved one really hate you for being honest? It is more likely that they will be relieved that the discussion is taking place.

 

This especially true when one or other partner has had an affair and the matter remains unresolved.

 

State your case clearly

Start by stating the facts in a way that no-one can argue with.  For example, if you’re trying to heal a family rift try, “we have not been getting on for such a long time and I feel really sad about it”.  Then make it clear that you don’t intend to fight.  For example “I don’t want to hurt you or make things more difficult than they already are but I do think we should talk”.  If you have been struggling with the idea of having the conversation, say so. Describing your dilemma will help the other person understand that this is genuinely difficult for you.

Your tone of voice is crucial, it needs to be calm and measured.  If you are feeling emotional, frustrated or angry, let off steam by speaking to a friend before you have “The conversation”

 

Speak the truth and listen

Hold your nerve when it comes to naming difficult emotions.  If you are feeling angry, agitated, resentful, then you can, and must, say so.  If you are truthful but stay calm it won’t destroy your relationship.  If anything, the other person will see your honesty and respond in a similar way.

In return, listen carefully to what they say and acknowledge their feelings.  Phrases like “I’m really sorry this is making you so sad” or “I’m not surprised you’re feeling  angry” will let them know you are listening to and hearing their view.

Remember, it is essential that you are completely honest with the other person, any sign of holding back or “Vagueness” on your part and the other person will close down, worse still, shut you out.

 

 Show respect and you will reap the rewards

If you remain respectful and stay positive, there is a far better chance that the other person will as well.  If you talk down to the person, show contempt or are dismissive, the other person will see this as a slight and will kill the conversation on the spot.

 

It is never too late

No matter how hard you prepare, you cannot predict the outcome of the conversation.  Do not let that stop you from having it.  Whatever happens, you will feel lighter and more free for finally having said what needed to be said.  There is always the chance the conversation will go far better than you can imagine.

 

Too many of us take refuge in silence.  This simply eats away at us and our loved ones until there is nothing left.  Far better to bring things out in the open, rather than let them fester under the surface of a precious relationship.

Todays question:

How would you feel if you do not have “The conversation” and the person you need to have it with passes away tomorrow?